I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
