i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
