I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
