Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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