Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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