i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
