I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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