from now on my penis is your penis
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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