I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
