you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
