life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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