Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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