why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?