I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.