Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza