i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
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Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
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He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.