he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.