Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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