I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
