I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
