a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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