You can't motorboat a personality
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
