I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
