just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
