You smell like a Billy Joel song
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
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There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
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Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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