I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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