Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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