Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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