someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I faked an abortion last night.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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