Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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