remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
