The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
