Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
