I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
