you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
