Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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