someone threw a dead crab at me
Small penises have feelings too.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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