ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We had to coat check the pizza.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
did i just pee glitter
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
