Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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