you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
