This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
