Betty ford says i'm here all night
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
