The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
