i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We had sex on a dog bed..
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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