Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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