You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
