Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
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