Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
