Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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