The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Randomize
