Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
