This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
