I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I am naked and annoyed.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
