I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
this hospital has no fireball
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
