I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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