i think my tv is drunk
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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