Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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