Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
