I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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