The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
