I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
