Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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