I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
