Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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